FLORIDA!
There are some things in this world that we're forced to deal with. Things that we hate but have no choice regarding them (AIDS, asteroids, Louie Anderson). This week I will examine the land of Florida, a state that has done jackshit in all the years of its existence.
WHAT IS IT? A state that resembles a wiener. Discovered by Ponce de Leon while he was looking for the (much more useful) Fountain of Youth, this state has been owned by several nations. We bought it from Spain for about five million dollars, which is less than Nim's Island weekend haul. Oh, it also has a lot of swamp land. And it gets hit by hurricanes a lot, causing us billions in repairs.WHY IS IT A WASTE? Florida has always been pretty stupid. It's only real accomplishments have been launching space shuttles and being the inspiration for a classic Will Smith tune. Recently, Florida has truly stepped up in the world of politics. You see, the state is full of old people, also known as "morons" in the political world. They whine and complain until their issues are addressed and then go and completely screw up the election in the fall, never living to see the consequences of their actions. The easy way out...
FLORIDA =
And if that's not bad enough, they voted him in a second term. Their one chance to show they aren't stupid and they mess it up again.
Some may say that it was truly the Supreme Court who really screwed the pooch when it came to the 2000 election. To them, I say this: Florida elected his brother, Jeb. Jeb - isn't that a Dukes of Hazzard character? They honestly gave their most coveted political position to a man named Jeb. And if you can believe it, Jeb is supposed to the dumb Bush. You heard correctly, George is supposedly smarter than his brother. I'll give you a minute.
And now Florida is up to it again. Their Democratic party decided to move their primary up a few months in order to steal thunder from other states. They broke the rules put in place by the national party and so it was agreed upon by all members that their votes would count for exactly dick. But now, months later, with the nomination so up in the air, things are getting heated. And in the end, their votes may actually end up being counted. However, the election was so FUBAR'd that Clinton won overwhelmingly in a crooked and unorganized psuedo-election.
So, let me make this clear: Florida may have a hand in giving the nomination to Clinton, which would destroy the Democratic party...which would essentially give John McCain the presidency, which would lead to a war with Iran. Which would lead to the World War III.
So Florida is really a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Oh, they also have crazy gun laws. You can pretty much shoot anyone for any reason in Florida. No motives! It's a free-for-all! It's like a multi-player match of Goldeneye down there! Cool huh?
SOLUTION: I say we give Florida back to Spain. Or anyone who'll take it. We'll tag a fair price on it: $5 million - the same amount we bought it for. We'll take all the old people and give them jobs at Wal-Marts or Alaskan fishing yards. We'll use the extra income to build a new NASA Space Center in Omaha, Nebraska (why not?). Alter the American flag, use sharpies on the maps, it'll be easy. Then we wash our hands of the entire thing. We'll pretend this huge mistake never happened.
Then move on to Michigan.
Some may say that it was truly the Supreme Court who really screwed the pooch when it came to the 2000 election. To them, I say this: Florida elected his brother, Jeb. Jeb - isn't that a Dukes of Hazzard character? They honestly gave their most coveted political position to a man named Jeb. And if you can believe it, Jeb is supposed to the dumb Bush. You heard correctly, George is supposedly smarter than his brother. I'll give you a minute.
And now Florida is up to it again. Their Democratic party decided to move their primary up a few months in order to steal thunder from other states. They broke the rules put in place by the national party and so it was agreed upon by all members that their votes would count for exactly dick. But now, months later, with the nomination so up in the air, things are getting heated. And in the end, their votes may actually end up being counted. However, the election was so FUBAR'd that Clinton won overwhelmingly in a crooked and unorganized psuedo-election.
So, let me make this clear: Florida may have a hand in giving the nomination to Clinton, which would destroy the Democratic party...which would essentially give John McCain the presidency, which would lead to a war with Iran. Which would lead to the World War III.
So Florida is really a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Oh, they also have crazy gun laws. You can pretty much shoot anyone for any reason in Florida. No motives! It's a free-for-all! It's like a multi-player match of Goldeneye down there! Cool huh?
SOLUTION: I say we give Florida back to Spain. Or anyone who'll take it. We'll tag a fair price on it: $5 million - the same amount we bought it for. We'll take all the old people and give them jobs at Wal-Marts or Alaskan fishing yards. We'll use the extra income to build a new NASA Space Center in Omaha, Nebraska (why not?). Alter the American flag, use sharpies on the maps, it'll be easy. Then we wash our hands of the entire thing. We'll pretend this huge mistake never happened.
Then move on to Michigan.
1 comment:
Don't be hating on Will Smith songs dawg. If Florida is sold, will there still be "Florida" tags on Fark? Cause that's how I know it's gonna be a good article.
For a brief second I thought this was going to be about Flo Rida. =( I'm trying not to be disappointed since it was in a round about way.
Post a Comment